


Without you

by skampanda



Series: Isak and Even's not so happily ever after [2]
Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Evak - Freeform, M/M, Sadness, Suicide, broken Even, isak and even - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-28
Updated: 2017-10-28
Packaged: 2018-10-24 16:07:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,378
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10745118
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/skampanda/pseuds/skampanda
Summary: He's gone, just like that. Two more seconds and Even could've saved him, according to himself. He just can't accept the fact that Isak, his Isak, is gone.-A sequel to my previous work "One last memory"





	1. It's not real

**Author's Note:**

> Heii! So I've decided to make a sequel to my previous work, so check it out before reading this one! 
> 
> Warnings: self-harm, suicidal thoughts, talking about death

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even can't deal with Isak's death and blames himself for it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is a short one, but feel free to tell your opinions! :)

"Sir, we need you to tell us what happened"

"Did he do it himself, or did someone push him?"

"Was it an accident?"

"Sir please, can you tell us what you saw?"

 

So many voices, way too many. His head is spinning. Nothing is real, the world is collapsing. The questions make him snap, and so he yells. He yells so loud it hurts. Everything hurts. 

 

It's not real. _It can't be._

 

-

 

"Good morning sweetie, how are you feeling?"

 

_What the hell?_

 

A low mumble leaves Even's mouth. It's a surprise he is even able to move it, considering the soreness he's feeling. 

 

"Why am I here?"

 

A young-ish nurse is in the middle of doing something, when Even asks. She stops to give him a empathic look. 

 

"You don't remember, do you?" 

Even slightly shakes his head. Was he manic or...? No, that couldn't be it. There's no Isak in sight, Even wonders. He should be there, he's always around when stuff happens. Something's wrong.

 

"Where's Isak? Where's my boyfriend?"

 

His throat is becoming dry and the air is getting heavier. If he opened his mouth right now, he would probably puke.

 

Even's worry starts to grow even more when the nurse sits down on his bed and caresses slightly his cheek. Her hand is soft and smells like olive soap. It's a quite nice scent.

 

"Oh honey..."

 

The forgiving look in her eyes says it all. There's no words needed to make Even realize what's going on. He knows.

  **Isak.**

 

"No, no no don't you say it, it's not real, it's not it's not, don't you fucking say it!" He all but yells. Hot tears stream down, leaving Even's face red and puffed up.

 

"I'm so sorry dear, your friend Isak Valtersen committed suicide last night"

 

-

 

_"Stop it! Stoop, Even!" Giggles and laughing fills the room._

 

_"Not until you say it again" Even attacks Isak's sides again, leaving the younger boy a squirming and laughing mess. Tears fall from his eyes as Even only continues tickling his boyfriend._

 

_"Say it"_

 

_"Nooo"_

 

_Another attack._

 

_"Say it, baby boy"_

 

_"Fine, okay, I'll say it! Just stop"_

_And Even stops immediately. They're laying on Even's couch, Nas playing in the background._

_Isak takes a breath. His eyes burn deep into Even's, leaving both of them quiet for a moment._

 

_"I'm in love with you, Even Bech Næsheim" It's nothing more than a whisper, but for Even it's everything. Those words mean more than anything he's ever experienced._

 

_"And I'm in love with you, Isak Valtersen"_

_Moments like these remind both of them why their relationship is worth fighting for. Nothing, absolutely nothing, could ever ruin them as long as they keep loving each other._

 

_And then, a small tear escapes Isak's eye._

 

-

 

"I love you, Isak" Even whispers as he drags the blade across his left wrist. Dark red blood comes out. 

 

_You deserve this. You couldn't save the only good thing in your life._

 

He cuts again, this time deeper _._ No physical pain will ever hurt as much as his heart is aching. Now the blood pours out with more pressure, staining the white floor under Even's body. He feels like he should clean it up, not wanting to bother his mother.

 

_You stupid, there's no time for cleaning now. You need to fix things with Isak._

 

His breath becomes harder and faster. Everything goes blurry. Next thing he realizes is his mother yelling.

 

"Even no! Rob call an ambulance!"

 

_No. I need to get to Issy._

 

"Even please stay with me, baby please" his mother cries. It's hard to see anymore. Everything is hard.

 

"I can't stand losing an another boy" And with that she breaks down, leaving a bleeding Even laying half-dead in their bathroom. His body is a pale limp, all colour slowly fading away.

 

Last thing he hears before blacking out is his mother's yells while crying.

 

_Don't cry mom, I'm gonna go and take care of Isak. He needs me._


	2. Guilt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even's in hospital. That's pretty much the plot.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hellloo!! I'm sorry it took such a long time for me to update. Honestly I've been just so out of motivation and didn't have the energy to write anything. 
> 
> I hope you like this chapter! Let me know your opinions and thoughts in the comments!

Last night was a big blur, only glimpses of white jackets and wheels underneath him. Nothing seemed real, not to Even.

 

He's been here before, it's almost way too familiar. Expect this time everything's different. 

Other times, when he has woken up in a hospital bed with his wrists covered in bandages or whatever he'd done, he has regretted it. Now, however, he doesn't. Only regret Even has right now is how he failed.

 

_I need to be with Isak_

 

Siv, Even's mother is stressing her hair out in the waiting room. She keeps walking in a circle while tapping her temples. No matter how many times your son's been in hospital you never get used to it. All the worry and sadness and fear, it's always there.

 

Even has a private room, which he kind of appreciates. Shivers run through the boy's body from coldness, even through he's tucked under three blankets.

 

-

 

_"Do you want children some day?" Isak asks out of blue._

 

_They're tangled tightly together in their bed, while some old comedy movie plays on the background. Even hums and pets his boyfriend's hair._

 

_"Are you pregnant?" Even asks seriously. Isak snorts and hits Even's chest gently._

 

_"Fuck you, I'm thinking about future and you're making fun of me"_

 

_"You love me"_

 

_"Sadly, yes I do" Isak's tone is fake annoyed but his eye's are full of love._

 

-

 

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry" He cries as his body is shaking and his heartbeat is way too loud. 

 

_I'm sorry I couldn't save you back_

 

All Even wants to do is dig his brain out and suffocate to death. He deserves it. He deserves all the pain in the world, because he couldn't save the only thing that mattered to him.

 

"Even" Siv runs to his son as soon as she enters through the door. She holds Even so tight it almost hurts.

 

"I'm so sorry, I'm sorry I let you down" Even's voice cracks. 

 

To a mother, it's one of the most heartbreaking things to hold your son while he cries and yells. But Siv managed, because she's done it before. 

 

"Shh, it's okay honey, it's gonna be okay"

 

He can't breathe. It's too damn hard. 

 

"No it's not! Isak is fucking dead and it's all my fault!" Even yells with his sore voice. His whole body is actually sore. All his muscles hurt from shaking and his eyes are so swollen it wouldn't be a surprise it they'd pop out of his head.

 

"It's all my fault"

 

Siv fights her tears away and focuses on holding his son in place. 

 

"Shh, calm down baby"

 

This is what people don't tell about mental illness. They don't tell the ugliness of it, all the yells and fears and violent thoughts. People don't understand the guilt and the shame that comes with it. Nowadays people make mental illness seem "beautiful" and something that love can cure. Mental illness is ugly and something you should never admire.

 

 

-

 

 

Last two days have been like hell for Even. He's had so many panic attacks and he has really bad nightmares.

 

"How are you feeling right now, in this moment?" Joanna, a psychiatrist, asks. Even was forced to talk with her, since he can't meet his own therapist here at the hospital.

 

He's silent for a moment, considers wheter this Joanna is a good one, or not. So many therapists and psychiatrists and nurses are just shallow and don't understand shit. 

 

"It's like, um, it's a lot you know" He starts.

 

Joanna nods as a sign for him to keep going.

 

"All these panic attacks and thoughts, they're getting too much again. It's like I can't breathe and I just need some air but I'm too weak to pull myself back to the surface" This is more words than he's said in the last 48 hours. 

 

"Tell me about your thoughts. What are they like?"

 

"Um, they're like, like I feel really guilty and my suicidal thoughts are back and it's like my brain is telling me not to be such a pathethic fuck and do something, but I just can't" 

 

"And like, I want to cry but I don't think that's even possible anymore. I just want this to end. I just wanna exit this never ending tunnel I'm in" he lets it all out.

 

\-  

 

There's a knock on the door. It can't be his parents, they never knock.

 

The door slowly opens and someone steps in. Even's whole body freezes and panic rises in him.

 

"Issy" he breathes out.

 


	3. Real

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even's having some really tough times.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heiii!! Hope you like this chapter. Feel free to comment anything you want. Love you

Isak's there. Right in front of him. Tears fall down across Even's cheeks as he stares at boy in front of him. He's wearing black jeans and a white tee, his hair messy and face paler than snow.

 

"Baby" Even whispers into the dark. 

 

_My baby is back_

 

He stands up from his bed, almost trips from the sudden movement. Weird dizzy feeling takes over Even's body. He feels surreal, yet manages to push himself forward.

 

As their bodies are centimeters apart, Even wraps himself around the smaller boy. They hug so tightly it's almost too much.

 

"I love you so much, so much baby" Even cries into Isak's hair.

 

They stay in silence for a moment. The kind of silence that's enjoyable and chill, not awkward. In this moment Even can breathe again, like a big stone has been lifted from his heart. Very free feeling. 

 

"Even" A small and vulnerable voice tells, and Even's being pushed away. The sight in front of him is changed. There's Isak, standing with blood stained shirt and blood pouring out from his ears and mouth. From his right foot there's a bone sticking out and his other eye isn't in its place.

He looks, well, _dead._

 

"Look what you've done" The small voice is suddenly much more strong and harsh, giving Even shivers.

 

"Forgive me baby, I'm so sorry" He begs.

 

"No one could ever forgive you, you sick piece of shit"

 

Even's legs fail and he falls on to the floor. Next thing he sees is Isak disappearing into thin air. Even's whole body is weak and all he can do is cry. It's like the stone removed from his heart falls right back into its place, only this time it's ten times heavier.

 

_No, no this can't be happening_

 

"Isak!" He yells while chocking on tears.

 

"You need to come back! Baby forgive me, please" He sounds so desperate. He is desperate. All Even wants is to see his beautiful man again. Even for a second. He wants to see his beautiful angelic face, his sharp jawline and breathtaking cheekbones. His cute little nose, and his unique lips. 

 

-

 

_Breath in, count to three, breath out and repeat._

 

He learned to somehow control his anxiety and panic attacks in seventh grade. Now it seems like he's forgotten how.

 

"This is real, you are real, I am real..." It's like a mantra he repeats. Sometimes, when his depression (or mania) gets bad enough, he gets hallucinations and the line between reality and imagination can be quite faded. 

 

Even drags his fingers over his leg, then the other. Next he touches his face, squeezes his cheeks. It proves that this, he, is real. His brain is not making it up. Not many understand what it's like not being able to trust yourself. Not being able to trust your brain and body. It's really painful to deal with.

 

The mirror in front of Even is reflecting his face. It's not a beautiful sight, not to himself. Even sees all his flaws, all the moles and weird shapes. Tears start falling down again from his eyes as the thoughts come in again.

 

_Maybe there's someone in the room_

 

_Something's behind you_

 

_You need to run_

 

Usually, these kind of thoughts wouldn't scare people much. For Even though, the fear is real. He fears so that he can feel it physically. 

 

"Why am I like this" He barely whispers.

 

_Ugly ass motherfucker_

 

He hits the mirror. It hurts bad and blood pours from his knuckles. That's good, pain. It's what he deserves.

 

-

 

For the first time in a week, he feels like checking his phone. 

 

540 messages. _What the hell._

 

There's hundreds of messages from Magnus, ten from Mahdi, fifty from Mikael and a few from Elias. And one from Jonas.

 

He decides to read Jonas' message.

 

**Jonas**

_Funeral in two weeks. His father pays for all the shit. Call him for more info._

 

Even knows that Jonas, Isak's best friend of years, is just as broken as he himself is. Even's never seen a friendship like Isak and Jonas'. They were closer than brothers.

 

-

 

_"Brooo!" Isak's voice echoes through the house. They're in some 2nd year's houseparty. Things got a little out of hand, and now there's like 200 people. And Isak's drunk as fuck._

 

_Isak's not a cute drunk. He becomes all clingy and eventually throws up at some point._

_"Even, this is Jonas, Jonas this is Even" Isak introduces them like they wouldn't have ever met before. It's kinda funny, so Jonas and Even just play along._

 

_"Hello Even, I've heard quite a lot from you" Jonas smirks and shakes his hand._

_"Hope nothing too bad" Even let's go of Jonas' hand and takes Isak under his embrace._

_"Of course not, all good" They share a look. Even and Jonas come along very well, which has been a relief for many. It would be awful if your boyfriend's best friend wouldn't come along with you._

 

_"Let's go home and fuck" Isak interrupts their moment. Even coughs and Jonas bursts into laughter._

 

 _"Good luck, bro" Jonas taps his shoulder and leaves him alone with Isak._  

 

_Oh god, he's so gone for this boy._

 

-

 

"Are you sure about this?" His mother asks and touches his arm.

 

"Yeah, I'll be fine. It's just two hours" Even assures her mother. Her and Rob (Even's dad) are going for a business meeting. 

 

"Okay. Call me if you feel even a little anxious or something goes bad, okay?" 

Even nods and closes his eyes again. Being wrapped in five blankets makes him feel almost comfortable. Depression is very draining, like you just want it to stop but it won't. Until it does.

 

-

 

 **Magnus**  

_Can I come over? I miss you_

 

**Even**

_Okay. Spare key is under the doormat._  

 

Honestly, Even hasn't thought about his friends much. Maybe it's a good thing to eventually see some of them. Magnus is really sweet, once you get to know him.

 

It only takes Magnus ten minutes to arrive. Even hears the front door being opened and closed. Careful footsteps tiptoe over the apartment. Soon his door is also opened, and a blonde boy steps in.

 

Magnus stands there for a moment, and Even dares to look at his face. He has dark circles and he looks very tired. Magnus is wearing sweatpants and a dark hoodie, which looks like it hasn't been in the washing machine for a while.

 

"Hey" Even says with a rough voice.

 

Magnus doesn't hesitate and jumps in for a hug. They hug for good five minutes, Even sitting on his bed and Magnus also on the bed in an awkward position.

 

"God it feels good to see you man" Magnus laughs wetly. He's probably crying just as much as Even. 

 

"You too Magnus, you too" 

 

For the next hour they just lay together and watch Family guy. For a moment, it's almost good. Almost like it used to be.

 

-

_Hello, Even. I was thinking maybe we could meet, if you want and have the energy to? Tomorrow at KB?_

 

That is a message Even's definitely not prepared for.

 

 


	4. I’ve accepted it

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even meets the person he thought he could avoid.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, long time no see huh. I’ve had many personal problems, so I haven’t been able to write much. But I hope this short chapter is something you enjoy reading. Love you!

_Hello, Even. I was thinking maybe we could meet, if you want and have the energy to? Tomorrow at KB?_

 

”No, please god no” Even whispers into the darkness of his room. He hasn’t opened the curtains in forever. Darkness works just fine with him.

 

Tears stream down Even’s puffy cheeks as he types a reply.

 

_Okay_

 

That’s all he comes up with. Nothing more nothing less, just okay. I mean, what else could he tell her? That ”Im sorry I’m the reason your son is dead”? No, he can’t.

 

-

 

It’s a very cold morning in Oslo. Everybody seems to be freezing. Even though Even has dressed up in hundreds of layers, he’s freezing too. 

 

Soon there’s a gentle tap on his shoulder, making him jump a little.

 

”Hey” Marianne is still so beautiful. She’s probably one of the most beautiful women Even’s ever seen. No wonder Isak turned out so beautiful.

 

Isak. You can’t cry now Even. Don’t be selfish.

 

”Hello Marianne” He answers. They get inside and sit on a table. Neither of them get any coffee. ”How are you?” Even asks.

 

”Shit, how about you?”

 

”Also shit.”

 

-

 

_”I want you to meet my mother” Isak blurts._

 

_”Oh, okay. Are you sure?”_

 

_They’ve had a conversation quite similiar before, which by the way did not end well. Isak told he wasn’t ready and his mother isn’t ready either. Now tho, Isak seems calm and sure._

 

_”Yes baby, I am a hundred prosent sure” Isak says while cupping his boyfriend’s face. It’s a thing he does whenever he’s serious._

 

_”Okay” Even laughs happily._

 

_”I’m gonna meet your mother then”._

 

-

 

”You know, it’s not your fault” Marianne says while looking Even straight into his eyes. Even shakes his head a little and gives a small petty laugh. 

 

”Of course it’s my fault. I’m the one who broke him, I didn’t give him enough love and attention. I’m the one who yelled at him, I’m the one who hurt him.” He’s crying now. Great. Not even a full hour goes by without him crying.

 

”Even stop it. You know that’s not true. Isak was sick. He was depressed. You should know by now that mental illness is no one’s fault. Yes, your fights may have been triggering for him, but the fact that the took his own life is not your, not mine or not anyone else’s fault”. And wow, Even could almost believe that all. He really could, if he wouldn’t be so deep in his own sorrow. 

 

”Sorry but how are you so calm? You seem like you could understand what happened to Isak”. It’s true, how could someone be so calm after their son committed suicide. 

 

”I have accepted my son’s faith. I’m not saying I wouldn’t be just as sad as you, but I’ve accepted it. Nothing could bring my son back, but the least I can do is try to live like he always wanted me to. I am taking my meds, I’m looking for a job and I want to look after you as well. I want to make sure everything Isak had doesn’t disappear. And you Even dear, you were everything to him. He loved you so so much. Please remember that, and remember that you weren’t the reason why all of this happened”. Marianne is also crying now. They must both look like a mess. While she was talking, Even had took a hold or her hands. It’s a very sad silence after that. 

 

_Only if I could believe it_

 

-

 

The sky’s dark like his soul. The stars shine bright like his loved one’s eyes. The  evening smells like wet leaves and cold grass. 

 

He’s walking towards their spot. It’s a big tree on top of a small hill. They always used to go there to watch the sunset.

 

-

 

_”City of stars...” Even starts singing._

 

_”Even no! I hate that song and you know it! Please don’t” Isak yells laughing while trying to shut his boyfriend’s mouth with his hand._

 

_”Owkay” Even mumbles behind Isak’s hand._

 

_”Thank you, now can we focus on the thing we came here for?” Isak says and stretches his legs straight on the ground._

 

_”Yes, let’s stare at the sun for half an hour” Even jokes. Isak rolls his eyes and closes his eyes for a moment. The air is warm and the flowers around them smell wonderful._

 

_”I love you.” Isaks says and takes Even’s hand. They stare at each other for a while._

 

_”I love you too.”_

 

-

 

”Good night baby” Even whispers as he stands up and leaves the spot. 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Please let me know your opinion!


End file.
